We’re living in a time where dishonesty surrounds the people and sources we’re meant to trust. The police force is full of corruption and abuse. Politicians and media outlets are often unreliable. And anyone can be an expert on social media.
Mistrust can be a serious problem for the funeral industry too, as highlighted recently in the news.
Transparency
Until relatively recently in the UK, death care happened in our homes. In death we were cared for by family and members of the community.
This is still the case elsewhere. In fact, countries all over the globe are still looking after their own dead. They wash them, wrap them in sheets and keep the body at home, burying or cremating them at large public ceremonies. I recently visited Nepal, where there are open crematoriums (public outdoor pyres) in the centre of Kathmandu, and on the day of cremation, the family’s eldest son lays their person onto the fire.
But in our country, death care is now so often a decidedly closed affair. Since commercial undertakers became the first port of call for the bereaved, we no longer see or know what happens to the body of someone who has died. We aren’t in the loop when it comes to the process of cremation, or the nitty legalities of someone’s ‘disposal’.
Ever since I started working in death care, it’s been my vocation to prioritise transparency in my work, with the aim of building trust and respect, and offering genuine support.
I see myself as a 'family advocate' – someone who is speaking on behalf of family and friends, not for them. I make sure they’re always part of the dialogue throughout the arranging process and that they’re up to date at every stage.
We work as a team.
Consent
It goes without saying that consent has as much place in death as it does in life. Death care can involve a lot of personal processes. I try to avoid highly invasive ones, such as embalming and suturing. And if the person who has died has been washed or dressed by family, friends or care staff, I like to leave things as they are. To wash and care for a body is sacred – it’s very special, intimate work and I wouldn’t want to unravel the moment somebody has shared with their person.
When it’s appropriate for me to interact with a body, whatever that interaction is, I never do anything without explicit consent from a relative or loved one.
Conversation and costs
At a time when people are vulnerable, there should be no nasty surprises. Naturally, that applies to funeral plans and costs.
So the process goes like this. First my clients and I talk in depth. I like to explain the next steps are and what happens when a body is in my care. They have plenty of time to talk about what they want and to ask any questions.
After we’ve discussed things fully, I send a price estimate. At this stage, friends and family have the opportunity to think carefully about what’s right for their person, and they have the opportunity to decide to take ownership over parts of the ceremony, whether it’s designing and printing personal orders of service, arranging their person’s favourite
flowers or even hand-making a coffin. I always give my families freedom.
Community
I am a firm believer that as humans we work best as a pack. We often look into our community for strength and guidance.
Talk to the people you know and can trust about death. Talk about your wishes, your fears and things you’re unsure about. Share your stories and knowledge too.
Because when we talk to each other about the end of life, it can help us become more comfortable with the topic. It allows us to lean on one another with honesty and open dialogue during bereavement, and ask for what we want from the funeral director we have instructed.
I love to show people that talking about death doesn’t have to be daunting.
So I offer free funeral planning meetings ahead of need in the comfort of your home. If you’d be interested in starting a dialogue about death and your wishes, please don’t hesitate to get in touch.
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